Uncertainty, Self-Acceptance, and Companionship

Let's just get this over with before anything else. Have a recent selfie with Ivy and Alia!

Yeah, that's how we're all looking, folks. I've got love handles, and a gut. I've gone up a cup size. I've gained over 30 pounds since I restarted this blog, and while I've gotten better control over my weight lately, the pounds are still creeping on. And you know what? I'm pretty happy. 

See, it's been thanks to Ivy. A few of you tipped me off that Ivy might be interested in me romantically, and I wasn't really down for entertaining the idea for a while because we've just been friends for so long...and I thought we just didn't have much in common. 

But, a few things happened. For one, we've just kept spending more and more time together! I'm still gaming with Ivy regularly, and we don't stop chatting on voice throughout the whole session. She's got a lot of stuff going on in her own life, and she's just so sweet and open about everything. She's also trusted me with a few of her challenges and insecurities about being a trans woman, which can't have been easy. I know I can't relate directly, but I know what extreme body insecurity feels like in my own way, and I found myself getting emotional with her a few times while we played games. 

I very gently asked her out to the gym, not to get her to lose weight, but just in the context of sharing one of my passions with her like she's been doing with me and gaming. She was super reluctant at first, but eventually agreed, and I've been amazed at how hard she's tried to follow the workout plans I've made for her. She's...a jiggly girl, and watching her in action is kind of hypnotic, I have to admit! It's because of her that I'm not sweating the extra weight; if Ivy can hit the gym as a fluffy gamer gal, I can handle a potbelly. Sure, Alia gives me a few knowing looks from time to time, but she's a sweetheart deep down and isn't a gossip. I'm starting to worry I'm upsetting her a bit by spending so much workout time with Ivy...as a result, I'm missing training sessions with her!

 It's Ivy's openness and passion that really got me thinking about her romantic interest; I think she's super pretty (I mean, just look at her in the photo, she's adorable!) but also thinking about a close friend in a romantic context feels so strange for me. She doesn't look it, but she's got an iron will and goes for what she wants in life, and I think she's been putting herself out there for me even though it's hard, all to impress me!

 We also got a donation to a fancy wine and cheese place, so I took her out as as a gym reward, which was fun, but also kind of a mistake for us both; we demolished so many cheese plates and got really drunk and giggly together. I think we were both feeling that romantic spark at that point, but we were also definitely both feeling...something else. We kept trading spots on the couch to 'use the bathroom' because, well, I'll just come out and say it, we were gassy from stuffing ourselves with fine cheeses all night. I think I had to unleash one that lasted a good ten seconds while Ivy was getting soda from the kitchen. I think we were both kinda embarrassed for ourselves for totally stinking out the apartment, and Ivy ended up sleeping on my couch.   

I guess I want to ask if anyone has any ideas or donations that could help me break the ice with her and actually talk about how I feel. I'm...not the best with romance, as I've said. What if I hurt her by being too intense or forget to give her the attention she deserves because I'm fixated on my next championship win? I'm a little nervous, everyone. 

Anyway, here's my weight chart. Yup, we're looking at 37 extra pounds of Cerise as of today...